I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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