I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
