Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
