Please, let me fuck your mom
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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