today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
