I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
