She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
