dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
