Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
