you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
