She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
