So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
