Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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