mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
