I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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