I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
