he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
