My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It's official drugs can't kill me
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
