Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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