I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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