We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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