You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
