I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
