He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
