that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
we're so committed to being not committed
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
