i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
