Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
