oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
