Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
