dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
