DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
