Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
