Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
