I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my shit smells like andre
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
