she kept yelling 'call me bella'
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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