genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
