I met the friendliest cop last night
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize