you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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