So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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