god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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