My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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