So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
