That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
