YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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