just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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