I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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