The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Randomize
