Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
