Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
