Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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