I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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