I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
