he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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