So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
