i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Randomize
