HIV tests are more positive than that guy
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
