im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
