i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
