Your dad touched me again.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
i need some magic done to my vagina
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
