Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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