What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
