If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize